So to celebrate having Labor Day off from work, I did what a lot of gamers do with limited time off: I finished a video game. However, I didn’t do what a lot of gamers do with limited time off: I finished a video game that was universally and unanimously described as the worst game of 2013. Yes, I finished Aliens: Colonial Marines. I considered it practice/punishment for when the 4 original members play through it on Ultimate Badass mode in the near future. Also, it’s back on a lot of different Video game sites due to the Sega/Gearbox Marketing controversy. Of course, what I found was a poorly written, graphically horrible, ridiculously difficult, glitch ridden piece of trash… That I couldn’t stop playing.
The story is like a 12 year old boy was asked to write an Alien story only seeing the movie Aliens once when he was 10. You play as Winter, one of many generic Colonial Marines who look identical due to the lack of unique character models. You’re sent to the Sulaco (You know, the ship that half of Bishop, Ripley, Newt and all burnt up Hicks escaped in after the fight with the alien queen in Aliens?) to find out what happened to a Platoon of Colonial Marines that they lost contact with. Once over there, you find a horribly rendered Marine named O’Neal, the lower half of Bishop, 4 jettisoned cryotubes, and a ship that’s been turned into an alien hive in a period of months when an Alien Queen had been on the ship for roughly 20 minutes without an egg sack. But, what the hell, right? If a lone facehugger could have made it onto the ship to initiate Alien 3, why couldn’t an entire hive spawn without a queen? The characters are extremely one note and stereotypical. O’Neal is romantically… I’m sorry, had a “Sex Thing” (his words, not mine) with the character Bella. When you find Bella, it’s right after she tells you that the she woke up with a dead facehugger on the floor that had attacked her and that her throat hurts……… Have you ever bought a bucket of KFC and was then asked to care for it and empathize with it? Asked to become invested in it and to become it’s friend? No. No you haven’t. Why? Because it’s FUCKING DEAD, JUST LIKE BELLA IS. Why would you become invested in a character you know is going to be dead in like 3 levels? I know what you’re thinking: “But Charlie, you’re well documented as saying you liked Reach the best out of all the Halo titles and you know all the rest of the spartans are dead by the time Halo: CE starts. Isn’t it the same thing?” No. No it isn’t. Why? Because story made you care about these characters. They were likeable, and although you knew they weren’t going to make it, their deaths wee both heartbreaking and completely shocking in some instances. As soon as you encounter Bella, you know she’s dead and the writing is so flat that by the time she buys it, you’re like “Thank God! One less stupid AI who’s going to step in front of me right as I fire a grenade that’ll blow me all to hell, yet they still stand there.” Hicks is there and they partly explain how he’s there (he dies at the beginning of Alien 3) but the other half of the explanation is “a story for another time.” Bull-Shit. Sadly, the horrendous writing is the least of the games problems.
Graphically, this game is a joke. Lights on wall panels look like decals on the walls. There were 3 computer screens on in a room and 2 of the smaller ones are clear as day, but the biggest one is a blurry low-res mess. The character model of Captain Cruz, your Grizzled Marine Captain who addresses his troops as “Chicks & Dicks” looks like a slightly thinner version of the main character, Cpl. Winter. Every cocooned Marine is the same character model (except for a certain character from the Aliens movie who you discover the final fate of). It really looks like a mid to late Xbox or PS2 game. Textures pop in more often than guest stars on the 1977 Bing Crosby Christmas Special. It’s really ridiculous. The character models of Hicks & Bishop look like bad 80’s action figures of Michael Biehn & Lance Henriksen: plastic and poorly rendered with a passing at best resemblance to the actual actors. Don’t Believe me? See below:
|I can’t tell who’s the game character and who’s the actor! HYPER-REALISM!!!!|
Glitches are another guest in this meandering variety show. I can’t tell you the amount of Xenomorphs i killed just because they were either standing still in the middle of the room or stuck in the environment. Matter of fact, the first time you encounter a Xeno, it comes out of the wall and tackles you to the ground. You have to mash a button to get it off you but I can’t tell you what I was preventing by doing so. Why? Because as soon as it pins you to the ground, YOU CLIP THROUGH THE FLOOR AND ALL YOU SEE IS THE BOTTOM OF THE FLOOR PANEL. Now I played this part on both the PS3 and the Xbox 360 and it was the same glitch on both systems, so y’know, consistency. Also there’s that part of the trailer when you see the marine on an space bridge between 2 ships detonate a grenade over his head as the chestburster comes ripping through his armor. That happened on the 360 version. That didn’t happen on the PS3. On the PS3, he lifts the grenade over his head, and nothing happens. no alien, just a dude committing suicide. The glitch that pissed me off the most was this: In one of the levels, there is an automated turret in a doorway that is lighting me up like a thanksgiving turkey. It’s Bella, O’Neal & me on the business end of it and O’neal tells me that I need to get around it to turn it off so that they can get through. It’s in a doorway. It’s blocking any entrance into the room from that particular doorway. so I get around it. I walk up behind it. I am about to turn it off…. WHEN O’NEAL & BELLA WALK RIGHT PAST IT INTO THE ROOM AND STAND NEXT TO ME……. WHAT??????!!!!!!! Yep. No testers needed on THIS game! No Sir!
on the motion tracker out of 5.